What is your view of yourself like as a nonbinary person?
I'm nonbinary, and I like to self analyze a lot. So I thought what the hell, being nonbinary is such an individual experience a lot of other thembos here probably self analyze a lot too. If you feel like rambling about your thoughts on your identity, or your experience as nonbinary feel free to do so here.
My ulterior motive obviously is that I wanna talk about my favourite subject; myself.
I am comfortable divulging that I was raised female and present in a way society would perceive as feminine. Most of the time. I happen to like the colour pink, rainbows and unicorns, glitter and fairy farts. That's just my aesthetic. But before I ever even had heard of the term nonbinary I was a teen who was incredibly uncomfortable with the thought that, as I was, the way my body was small and my face soft, I could never have passed as male, or had that specific type of androgynous air to myself.
I used to think androgyny was only one look. Lanky, shapeless vaguely masculine looking person. And I was a shorty with a round face and feminine thighs. Not exactly the pinnacle of masculinity.
I never felt excited or happy about growing breasts, and I still have no clue if it's related to my gender identity or the intense fetishization of breats in western society. Likely it's both.
But I grew up and my view of myself changed. I had learned what nonbinary means, and secretly I wanted to identify as such but I felt immense guilt over that desire. I questioned whether it was just because it seemed cool to me. If I was just trying to be even more of a special snowflake. I still liked clothes society perceived as feminine. I identified myself as a lesbian, which during that time had to me the inherent connotation of womanhood. A friend of mine eventually told me something like "there is no one look of androgyny".
After that I started thinking that if gender identity is a social construct, and if I'm always bitching about how annoying it is that things like skirts and glitter and pink balloons have to have gender attached to them, just because society decided so, then why am I abiding by those views? I stopped feeling guilty about wanting to identify as nonbinary. I feel nonbinary because the gender roles, the identities and the expectations society has, are toxic and stifling and I refuse to let that poison in my own identity. For me it's I guess about the philosophy I approach gender with.
There are still things I don't understand about myself and my gender. Like the issue of my breasts, silly as that sounds. I suppose I'm mildly dysphoric about them but the reason is unclear to me. Far as pronouns go my native language has gender neutral pronouns only so I don't care as much what my pronouns are. I think I still have a little guilt left over that's stopping me from asking to simply be referred to with they/them pronouns, so for now I just tell people to use whatever they fucking please :3
Aaah. I'm always oversharing huh. Well, it's fine, I'm ok with being open about this.
