BambiDoll wrote:
Have you ever been in a situation where a friend has actively done something to affect your life ("for your own good, because I care about you") where you felt that they may have crossed the line and hurt your feelings in the process?
Maybe they disapproved of a lover and tried to drive that person away because they didn't feel he/she was right for you? This happened to me a couple of months ago when some friends who hadn't known me for a particularly long time felt that my guy was giving them attitude (he was tired, grouchy and they were very rude towards him). They asked him to leave our flat, and he did, since he felt so awkward being around these people and didn't want to cause trouble for me. These friends later tried to claim they were doing me a huge favour(??) I tried to confront the girls who did this about what happened, and told them it wasn't really their place to judge who I choose to date (particularly not to his face) and that I should be free to make my own mind up/learn from any of my mistakes. That's just life, right?
___
Am I going insane or is this completely crossing the line in terms of caring for a friend?
Yes, I've been in this situation. I was in the situation of "being the friend", causing the trouble, however. It was a very unique situation however, because I was a bit more tactful in dealing with the situation of trying to help my friend. I didn't like being placed in the middle of the affairs of the heart. Yet because of the large age difference between me and my friend, I felt I had to use some of my experience in reading men to help her, with what I would call, one-X-one talks with her. I did everything in my power to warn her about this man. I knew things about him from other sources. Nothing I would say to her mattered, to her undeveloped emotional pubescent mind. My efforts were ultimately unsuccessful because someone who thinks they are in love, will always chose a lover over a friend every time no matter what age they are.
The result of my failure was drastic for my friend. A pregnant 12 year old girl. Should I taken more drastic steps to break her up from the 19 year old man who got her pregnant? I wasn't sure I could have broken up the two lovers even if I got into the mans face. The man in question was her brothers best friend and I eventually discovered was the family drug dealer.
The end result was just a very sad and pathetic,"I told you so moment." Her parents didn't even report this, as should have been their parental duty.
She didn't listen to me, because she still would see the man every day at home. Her curiosity about sex won her a child at the age of 13 years and 3 months.
Did I hurt her in this situation?
Maybe yes maybe NO.
We are still best friends, but it hurts me to see her struggle with abject poverty now at the age of 21 and now 3 small children, and still her parents are in jail anyways on unrelated issues, and she is alone anyhow. I advised her again at 15 when she first met a second adult man. Still she got pregnant again at 15, and again at 17 by a 3rd man.
I could have stopped her,the first time with a single phone call to the authorities. Yet how would she have felt about me, to see her whole family thrown in jail, for the next 20 years of her childhood because of a single phone call I 'could have' made? I had to make a judgement call, and let her make her own choices in HER life. and just picked up the pieces of her shattered heart later. That's what friends do. In a way I sort of regret that choice now seeing what she is dealing with now in life. I didn't even want to be her friend in the first place, but I saved her life from a drowning accident when she was 11 years old and from that time on, she always made it a point to call me everyday from that time forward. I became her adopted mother and best friend. I did the best I could to save her life, but ultimately everyone has to decide how to live all by themselves. She was hiding so many facts about her home life, even from me. I didn't know many of the facts of this story till after the worst had already happened to her. Yet because I just stayed her friend the future for her is still un-written and she has the time to learn from her past mistakes to make a better future for herself and her children. I can also still be there to give her advice like a mother should be doing for her. It was just meant to be this way for reasons even I can't understand. I was there at the right time and the right place for her, many times and that can't be just a coincidence.
I'm just saying that sometimes a friend may know things that they can't always say directly to you face, in plain language. I couldn't exactly tell her that she was being raped. She was under the impression that they loved her, and as soon as a pregnancy resulted they all ran away as far as they could. Also ironically to jail, also on un-related charges. (drugs, which also was her parents crime. Karma?) She lost her parents anyways at age 18, and fell through the cracks of social services because she was now considered an adult with health problems due to early childhood pregnancy issues. She will forever be on welfare and likely to die at a very early age because she never learned how to respect her body. This paragraph is something I wish I could tell her right now, but I don't.
What good would it do to hurt her more than her own family has.
Should I have let her drowned or was it best to give her a second chance at LIFE?
I just didn't have the power to change her future life, because I was only her friend and she was to young to understand the advice I was trying to give her. How could she understand the situation she was about to place herself into, when she thought a man welcomed into her home by her parents, loved her too.
This is very painful for me to think about too. PTSD, happens to me because of the line of work I did during that time.
I still just see her as a little girl in the water about to die. I did the only thing I could do at the moment.
I judge myself very harshly for not doing more for that child.
This is just my example of why I will say this:
I just think you need to sit down with your friend and ask her what she knows about this boyfriend of yours that has her so upset with him. If she can't tell you, than she just might be the one making the mistake. There must be more to her attitude towards him than just meets the eye during a party at the flat.
BambiDoll wrote: the things they've said"I'm sorry, but I really just wanted this to be a drama free break""Besides can you even afford to come on holiday? I don't think it's wise in your current... situation""This is difficult to say but you need to try harder. Stop pinning your problems on your dad, ex boyfriend and friends.""Obviously I would be sad if my Grandad died too, but you can't keep using that as an excuse""We still love you and are always here for you - we just need to think about our feelings too"
There is something to these statements that tells me that they are trying to avoid saying something
to you.
An intervention, or a way of distancing themselves from a perceived problem with the holiday plans?
I got a bad 'vibe' , when I read those comments they said to you. In any case I don't think they are speaking the whole truth about the nature of the emotions of all parties and the relationships with one another.
No, your not insane.
You asked the question, so I sense that your using some female intuition too.
29.07.2015 03:04:05
